Second Chances

by Anastasia (Bandung)

Hello dear, long time no see (actually, last month, but it really felt like forever) I’m sorry to send this letter out all of a sudden. I think you already understand why I wrote this.

Today is February 2nd 2021. I think.. I have really been longing for this day.

Do you still remember after we broke up?  I asked you, whether you want me to wait.. or just move on.  And you said it’s up to me.

I was really sad, and broken too. You said if God allows it, we might be able to be together again. But deep in my heart, I’m afraid it won’t really happen. You just said it to comfort me, didn’t you?

I don’t know if I’m too late or not. I actually realized you love me no more. You said it in the class, that you have never failed to move on. And I know it’s normal, in fact, I think I would do it too if I were you. I really hurt you back then, didn’t I?

I make you jealous when I know you can’t stand it, I rarely ever prioritize you, and I never brace myself to be honest toward you and everyone else.

The only thing from you that I remember the most is when you say “It’s useless to say sorry if you never change”. You were right.. that’s why I’m afraid to apologize to you again. I’m afraid, maybe you won’t believe in me. After all, I hurt you.

Back then, I was crying so much. I hated myself because I had failed to preserve “my” relationship. I was really selfish.

I didn’t think about your happiness – I wanted you to hear my explanation and reason, when I was the one who deserved to be blamed. I ran from myself. The truth is, I didn’t want to admit my mistakes. Even explaining everything – which maybe seems logical and good for some people – won’t change anything. These two years really taught me what humility is. In a hard way, sadly.

I’m not writing this to ask for forgiveness. I know you forgave me. And I understand you didn’t hurt me on purpose. Instead, I’m grateful.

If you had never left, I wouldn’t be as I am now. I want to change, so I could be a better person – who is not thinking only about herself.

By the way, back to the topic. I (honestly) really tried to move on. I was looking for someone else, who might care for me and love me as I am. Actually, looking for someone who is exactly like you – that’s impossible right!!

I just realized how dumb and childish I am about love. I thought I would be able to move on, but I realize I have never been serious about that.

I miss you again, and crying again, even my bestfriend said she is bored because I always talk about you over and again (It’s out of my control, really. I’m not the type who can hide my sadness).

Someone once told me that I invested too much in my feelings for you, that’s why I can’t stop thinking about you. But I don’t think what he says is true.

If I only “invested” in it, I could leave it in no time. I think the answer is how I just truly love you, that’s all.

I realize I don’t want you to leave forever. If I’m not being honest, I would regret it in my whole life. I told you I would wait for two years, right? I want to keep my word on what I said. That’s why I decided to write this purposefully on this day.

Dear Billy,

I want you to stay by my side ❤

I love you, and this time, I want to make our relationship right. You deserved to be happy more than anyone else, and I really hope I could be the part of it.
I don’t want to look in the past – I used to, but I won’t make the same mistakes.

Let the past be the past. I forgive myself, and I sincerely want to change. I want to focus on you, because you are the apple of my eyes. This time, look at me.

Will you give me a second chance to love you and to be loved?

P.S. Whatever your answer is, I will accept it. I truly want you to be happy, even if it is not with me. Don’t forget to smile, alright? 🙂

I’m looking forward for your reply. Sending much love 💞

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