Love is Complicated

by LC (Lexington)

I’m really unsure where to start. I think about how grateful I am to know you quite often. I feel like a lot of random little things had to come together in the right way to make our lives cross paths, and even more had to happen for us to actually make as much of an impact on one another as we have.

I guess it’s like that with everyone, but it’s different…I guess just cause it’s you and you’re different. For me at least.

Basically I think I’m just trying to say I’m really glad I met you, and I’m even more glad that I was able to recognize how important your role in my life was going to be.

I don’t know how to explain the way something in me just knew I was going to love you, like really deeply love you even before I really had any reason to believe it.

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe I just worked too hard to rush the universe, and that’s why our timing has always seemed off.

I’m not supposed to believe in that stuff. Maybe I don’t believe in it, and this is just my brain trying to make up dumb excuses for why I can’t seem to get you out of my head these days. Or why I haven’t been able to get you out of my head since before I even met you.

I guess it doesn’t really matter, because all I know is that something about you has always pulled me in.

The feeling that we would always come back to one another may be naïve, and the actions that this feeling allowed me to take may have been selfish, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I still can’t imagine not having you in my life.

You have sparked so much growth in me already, and I am so grateful for the light you shed on me and my flaws and my strengths and the work I have left to do on myself. The way we interact with one another has not always been kind or gentle, but it has always been impactful.

In addition, some of my happiest memories have been with you, and some of my strongest emotions have been for you (both positive and negative).

I pride myself on being an open person, but I can honestly say that you are the person who I have given the most of myself to. For that reason you are able to see me, truly see me, in a way that can be triggering and frustrating, but also necessary.

I think about our relationship now, and I often feel frustrated, nostalgic, angry, shameful, embarrassed, and broken. There are times when I wonder if my life would’ve been easier had I never met you, and maybe it would’ve been, but it sure as heck wouldn’t have been better.

I can’t write my story without you in it. I loved you, in the truest, scariest way, I really loved you, and I felt you love me back.

I think part of me will always actively refuse to fall out of love with you, regardless of your feelings towards me (or lack thereof). I’m gradually learning to accept my continued feelings for you as okay and to see them as compatible with the possibility of me being happy with and loving someone else.

That being said, I need you in my life.

I’m so glad that you’re still here and that I still know we care for each other deeply. I’m working on accepting our friendship for what it is and on simply being grateful that at one point in time we chose each other at the same time.

Think about how beautiful it is that for a moment, you were my person, and I was yours. I hope that I made an impact on you the way you made an impact on me.

I know I have a million “what if’s” constantly floating around in my head, but I think you’ll always be my biggest one. What if we had met at a different time in our lives? What if I hadn’t broken up with you when I did? What if you had forgiven me when I begged for you back?

The answers are irrelevant, but my biggest fear is that they’ll always take up so much space in my heart that I’ll be incapable of letting anyone get as close to me as I let you.

The comfort I feel with you is incomparable to what I have felt with anyone else, and that feeling of home was immediate. It’s terrifying how quickly I fell for you, and it’s even more terrifying how quickly my “logic and rationality” got in the way despite the fact that I’ve always considered my head to be my biggest ally, and my heart to be the enemy.

This is getting gross and poetic, I know. It’s a good thing no one will ever read it, because it’s all over the place oops.

I wish I could explain the way I love you and why I do and put it all into words, but I can’t. You’re not perfect. It’s not even that I think you’re perfect for me. We can’t stand each other sometimes, and for all I know we would’ve made each other miserable had we stayed together.

But…the fact still remains that I think I would choose an effortful relationship with you over an easy one with anyone else.

That’s not toxic right? You make me happy,. Even when I’m furious, I’m happy. Does that make sense? I never thought I was capable of caring about someone as deeply as I care for you, but alas, here we are.

I love you. I’m in love with you. I’m letting you go. I want you to be happy. I want us to be happy.

You’re important to me. I’m sorry. Truly, sincerely, I’m sorry.

I did certain things because I was stubborn and scared and stupid. I don’t know if you’ve forgiven me yet, but I hope you eventually can because I’m working on forgiving myself.

I forgive you too. I don’t even know if you did anything wrong or if you did more wrong than me or if you were perfect, but regardless, I forgive you.

I forgive us.

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