A Letter To My First Love

by Paris (New Zealand)

You know you really truly loved someone when even after all the sh*t they put you through, your heart still races when you make eye contact, even if it’s for a second.

Your stomach still gets butterflies whenever they’re near you and you get that familiar feeling in your chest. When just being a few feet away from you, or in the desk in front of you makes your heart want to scream.

Love is a complex set of emotions that I know you didn’t have at that time and honestly, you probably won’t know how to process them like I do until your older I guess. Maybe not until years after we’ve parted and long forgotten about the dramatic years of high school, there’s really no way to tell if you’re really in love but I didn’t have to google anything, I didn’t have to think about how I felt; I just knew.

And just by trusting my gut that’s how I knew how I felt towards you, I was in love, head over heels and you had no idea until I told you. You were completely clueless and although the thought of it was wonderful, I felt bad because I knew you deserved the truth or at least a part of it until now.

I know you’re never going to read this but it’s true, you were my first love even though we were never in any type of relationship, not friends or dare I even say; a couple.

Your presence used to make me so happy, whenever you walked into the room, it was like I was seeing you for the first time, you were my drug and I was addicted.

I’ll never forget the way my heart would race whenever your eyes made contact with mine, whenever your lips would form that smirk that I hated so much because I knew that you had caught me staring at you. Or when I heard that laugh of yours that wasn’t too deep but deep enough to where it was just right.

I always loved seeing you happy with your friends, sometimes I used to wish it was me making you laugh.  I used to wish that I could be the one you went to when you were stressed or tired, the one you would come to when you were happy or sad.

I wished I was the one to cuddle up to you at night, to run my fingers through your hair or tell you it was going to be alright when you felt like the world was against you.

I knew when you were in a rough space.  I could tell by how you hung out with the wrong people at the time, how you smoked weed on what seemed like a daily basis, even though it wasn’t. I could tell by the way you talked and posted about how you apparently drank every weekend and sometimes during the week from what I had heard, though I knew it couldn’t have been true.

I know you weren’t my responsibility but I wished I had  been there for you and honestly I tried to be, even when you pushed me away saying it wasn’t any of my business.

I noticed the little things about you, the way you would zone out when you got bored and distracted in class, mostly when the teacher had seemed to lose your attention with whatever they were saying. I noticed how your grades had dropped when you were in that rough space, I knew because I noticed how you began slowing down in class, not seemed bothered by the fact you could fail, frankly, it seemed like you had given up on everything.

I didn’t like that but I knew you could make it through whatever was going on because I had faith in not only God but in you and your ability to pick yourself up.

I noticed how you tried to do better, I noticed right away when you had started putting effort back in.  I knew because you seemed happier than before, you seemed content, and honestly that’s all I ever wanted for you; to be happy with what you had and to be happy with what you were doing.

You probably never knew but I noticed how sick you were recently, when you had the flu? Even though you were a bit away, I could see how red your little nose was, how your face was slightly pale and you could definitely tell you were not supposed to be at school.

A part for me wanted to come over there and tell you to go to the nurses and go home, but I knew you wanted to be at school, to be getting that education you had worked so hard for because you knew it would make your parents more proud of you, even though I knew they were beyond just proud.

But seeing you like that made a part of my heart that you took when you left come back, the feelings of wanting to take care of you and make sure you were okay intensified greatly and all I wanted to do was make sure you were resting and getting better. But I knew you’d just say you were fine and tell me it’s not my business but it still hurt my heart a little to see you sick.

Lately, I’ve noticed how happy you’ve been since you realized you were out of that space, and seeing you happy, surrounded by good people it’s been nice to see you enjoying life.

I know it must’ve been hard, and as much as your stubborn self would hate to admit it; you would’ve cried once or twice, maybe you didn’t cry at all and I’m wrong but maybe I’m right in a different way and you just kept yourself distracted but I know you felt like it. I could read you like a book back then, I can’t anymore but sometimes I think that’s cause my hearts moved on.

I don’t pay much attention to you anymore.  My heart doesn’t rapidly beat as much as it used too and the butterflies in my stomach don’t flutter as they once did when you were around.

I’m writing this letter because I feel like it’s time for me to move on fully, it’s kind of a way for me to get everything out and move on with life.

You’re probably wondering why I liked someone like you, even after the sh*t you put me through, even though the arguments and the fall-outs we had, but even when I thought we were attempting to be friends, I still loved you and your sparkly brown eyes that I could tell used to search my eyes wondering why the hell I was staring at you in the first place and the mean look they gave me when I screwed up after that whole incident with your best friend back in year 9.

I loved your slightly tan and slightly chiseled face when you laughed and how you had little creases by your eyes when you laughed.

Truth is that now, I can tell you don’t care about the past as much as I do but I feel like a part of you found humor in it and that’s okay. But what I’ll never forget is the words and deep laugh that came out of your pouted slightly reddish lips, whether the words were mean, casual or just when your mouth would curl into a smile, or when a friend of yours made a dumb joke.

You didn’t have to say anything for me to smile at you, everything you did made me happy.

Sometimes I think about the future and what it might be like for you or what things could’ve been like if we worked out in some miraculous way.  Maybe you’ll meet someone who loves you in a similar way I did, maybe she’ll love you more than I did and you’ll maybe love her back just as much if not even more than that.

But everyone deserves love and although you broke my heart into pieces and she ripped yours to shreds after she let you go for your best friend, we all deserve to love someone like I loved you and to be loved by someone the same way.

I know you’ll never see this but do me a favor yeah? If you ever get the chance to be loved by another person who wants to give you their all, just give it a go ok?

She’ll give you the world if you give her the chance to prove it and trust me, you’ve got nothing to lose, and when I say you might find love, real love, like the type I had for you, like the type I’ll always have for you bud, don’t forget to just let it happen.

You’re going to be happy okay? Don’t let anyone else tell you differently, and also stop being such a stubborn hypocrite alright?

Just work on being more open-minded and if you can’t find love in one place, just keep looking, expand your horizons and explore your options because the best type of love comes when you least expect it.

Don’t go looking for love similar to what I tried to give you because it won’t come, trust me I know. But yeah this is my goodbye to you and our past, please don’t screw it up if she’s doing good things for you and spoiling you like the king she treats you as, because if you do I’ll personally come and beat some sense into you hear me?

Alright OK, I’m done.

Thanks for the memories, the late-night messages and the laughs, I’ll cherish it forever you tough cookie 😉 and thank you, like seriously, with everything I have, thank you for teaching me how to love, what love is and what love feels like.

Your purpose has been filled 🙂 Go out and enjoy life a bit too bud, you’ve only got one life so go and enjoy it.

Need more inspiration? Read through other love letters for him.